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josie ([personal profile] josie) wrote2010-05-31 11:14 pm

we are for each other

This was written for Remix Redux 8, I got to remix [livejournal.com profile] prettykitty_aya's awesome fic no line you can't step right over. Big thanks to [livejournal.com profile] languisity for trying to tidy up my messes and listening to me and keeping me from going insane, &you;

we are for each other
ryan/spencer + ryan/various
by: [livejournal.com profile] josiemus_prime
r| 1,211 words| I've loved you longer than you've known yourself, I'll love you even when you're loving someone else.



    Ryan had her pressed up against the wall, his thigh pushing up between her legs. Spencer remembers standing there for a long time, just watching them. It wasn't the first time.

    He watched Ryan's fingers slide down along her side, how she clawed at his back whenever he moved up against her. Spencer remembers how hard his heart was thudding then, the twist in his stomach when Ryan looked at him over his shoulder.

    Ryan kept his eyes on Spencer as he slipped his fingers under the waistband of her jeans. The floorboards creaked when she stood up on her toes, leaning heavily against him. Ryan smiled at Spencer over his shoulder, sweat sticking his hair to his forehead. Spencer remembers, that was when he walked away.



    *



    They'd talked about it once, up in the cabin. Spencer was lying on the floor next to Ryan, crumbled up pieces of paper strewn around them.

    "They're just not right," Ryan had said, huffing. "The music's not right."

    Spencer just nodded and stared up at the ceiling. He could feel when Ryan turned on his side, how his chest bumped Spencer's shoulder and his knees knocked his hip. He didn't move.

    "We need to start over," Ryan said, and his breath hit the side of Spencer's face. "I mean, don't we?"

    "Sure," Spencer said.

    Ryan put his hand on Spencer's stomach, he said, "Hey." He leaned closer until his lips were just barely brushing Spencer's ear. "We're, you and me, we're not that fucked up, you know. This isn't."

    "Sure," Spencer'd said again, shakier that time. His eyes were on the door, just in case someone decided to come in.

    Ryan's fingers slid under his shirt. "No," he breathed, kissing that spot just under Spencer's ear. "No, you're it, I'll show you."



    *



    The first time it happened was after Spencer watched Ryan fuck a guy at their hotel. It was the first night of their first day of tour. Spencer figured it meant something.

    They stumbled onto the single bed next to his. Spencer pretended to sleep, but listened to them fumble and kiss in the dark. The guy at least tried to be quiet, but Ryan wasn't. Spencer listened and tried to keep his breathing even, he kept his hands above the covers.

    It didn't last long, at least. The guy grunted a few times, the vague outline of him arched up and it was over. Once Ryan had shown him out, he walked over to Spencer's bed.

    He straddled Spencer's lap and bent forward, kissed his cheek. Spencer stayed still as Ryan's hand trailed down his stomach and under the sheets. It was the first time.



    *



    "This matters," Ryan said, not for the first time. He mouthed along Spencer's collarbone. "We can't ruin it," he whispered and pressed a kiss to Spencer's shoulder.

    Spencer just looked at him and wondered if they already had.



    *



    Ryan pushed Spencer against the door and kissed him hard enough that their teeth clashed together. Spencer's hands fell to his hips, dug in and pulled him closer.

    They were frantic, rushing because anyone could walk in and see them, and that'd be just too much to explain. Ryan grabbed Spencer's wrists tightly, holding them as he got to his knees. He tugged down his pants with one hand and rested his forehead on Spencer's hip, he said, "Spence."

    Spencer gripped his shoulder and closed his eyes as Ryan slid his hand up his thigh. His mouth was open and wet on his skin. Ryan started kissing up his stomach, his chest, he bit Spencer's nipple through his shirt, holding it carefully between his teeth. Spencer's head tilted back with an audible thunk against the door, his fingers fisted in Ryan's hair and pulled him up for a kiss.

    They grinded against each other, Ryan's hand between them. He pinned Spencer's wrist against the door, thrusting harder against him, and Spencer came. Ryan followed soon after, biting down on his shoulder.

    He went limp against Spencer, leaning all his weight on him. They stood there for a while, both just hanging on and trying to catch their breath. And Spencer, he wanted to stay like that, not caring about whoever the fuck walked in on them. He didn't want to care.

    But he knew that Ryan was going to pull away before he did, the way his body tensed and his hands fell away, like always.

    Spencer fixed up his shirt and pulled his pants back up. He specifically didn't think of the bruise already forming around his wrist.

    "The guys'll be back soon," Ryan said, already turning away.

    Spencer belatedly nodded, even though Ryan didn't see, and followed.



    *



    "What do you need me for?" Ryan had said once, smiling meanly. "What do you need me for, when you have her?"

    Spencer wanted to hit him then, to hurt him, because that wasn't fair, this wasn't fair. "What do you need me for," he echoed, his nails digging into his palm, "when you have them?"

    Ryan looked up at him, his eyes narrowed and his jaw set, and said, "I guess I don't."

    "Then I guess," Spencer said, "I guess I don't either."



    *



    Ryan had one hand trying to unzip Spencer's pants and the other pushing up his shirt. "C'mon," he said against his neck, "Spence, come on."

    "Ryan," Spencer breathed.

    "Does she do this?" Ryan asked, digging his nails into Spencer's skin, mouthing along his jaw. Ryan pulled Spencer's hips in harder against his and Spencer's jeans got caught around his knees.

    Ryan kissed the corner of his mouth and rubbed him through his boxers. Spencer groaned, his hips rocking against Ryan's hand. He grabbed at his shirt, pulled him closer until he heard him say, "I know she does this."

    Spencer grabbed Ryan's wrists and pushed him away, he said, "Stop it."

    Ryan's jaw clenched and he tried to pull Spencer back, muttering, "Sorry," and "let me." But Spencer shook his head, pulled up his jeans and kept his head down. He said, "No, I should, I should go find her anyway."

    When he looked up, Ryan's face was closed off, but he nodded and stepped aside to let Spencer out the door.



    *



    "We work like this," Ryan had said once, his sweaty forehead resting against Spencer's chest. "This is the only way we can't ruin it."

    "Us," Spencer said.

    Ryan shook his head. "This."

    Spencer closed his eyes and breathed in deep. It made him feel guilty to hope that when he opened his eyes, Ryan wouldn't be there. That none of whatever they were would be.

    "Hey," Ryan said, and Spencer opened his eyes to look up at him. "Best friends, right?"

    Spencer made himself smile and say, "Always."



    *



    Spencer was only half asleep when Ryan pulled his curtain back and wrapped an arm around around his waist. He shifted just enough for Ryan to have room to climb in. It's been forever since they'd done this.

    "Just for tonight," Ryan said, his forehead pressed to the back of Spencer's neck, his breath sent a shiver down his spine. "Like old times."

    "Yeah," Spencer said, staring at the wall of his bunk, "just like old times."



original post on AO3